Hearing the Silence: Never Be Still

Let me first say I’ve been working on this blog for months. This isn’t directed at anyone in particular. I’m not looking for pity, apologies, or for action to be taken. I want to make people aware. October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is October 15th. I have found that many people are not aware of the extent of the issue or how to handle it, so this post is meant to give perspective. It’s for the 1 in 4 women who take the time to remember the children that aren’t with them. It’s for the women who have suffered from either (but not limited to): miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, and the death of a newborn.

I’m one of the 1 in 4 women. I lost my Arden on December 7, 2017 because the umbilical was wrapped around his neck during delivery. They couldn’t revive him, and it was ruled a stillbirth. That was 10 months ago. What have I learned in the last 10 months? People do not want to talk about the subject of pregnancy and infant loss. It’s almost taboo. Many people don’t want to listen while you’re grieving. It may be because it makes them sad or they don’t know what to say. Many people lack empathy, are rude, and can sometimes be outright ignorant of how to treat grieving parents. I had even mentioned that I wanted privacy at first after his death. I wanted privacy from all the questions of what happened. Then when I was finally ready to talk about Arden, people took the request for privacy too far. They didn’t want to listen. I found a quote that says “No matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief” -Faraaz Kazi. I’m not looking for pity. I’m saying others move on fast. This is not just for pregnancy and infant loss but the loss of a loved one. It’s one of the loneliest times of your life. If you’re one of the 1 in 4, I understand you. I’ve heard the silence of the things not said and of the things not done. I’ve been hurt by others’ lack of empathy. If you haven’t then you’re one of the few.

“Nothing is more important than empathy for another human being’s suffering. Nothing—not career, not wealth, not intelligence, certainly not status. We have to feel for one another if we’re going to survive with dignity.” –Audrey Hepburn (If you know me, you know my love for Audrey Hepburn).

Having empathy is one of the most important things you need to show the love of God. You can’t show the love of God without. It’s an essential part of His love. You HAVE to have it. However, I see less and less empathy when it comes to the church as a whole. Our problem as the church is we have not let go of our selfishness when Jesus repeatedly says to lay down our lives and to die to self. 2 Timothy 3: 1-5: But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people.

The Bible commands that we show love, compassion, and empathy for others. I can give you 89 Bible verses or more but here are 14 verses for example:

• Romans 12:15: Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

• Ephesians 4:32: Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

• 1 Peter 3:8: Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.

• 1 Corinthians 12:26: If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

• John 11:33-35: When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept.

• Colossians 3:12: Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience

• 2 Corinthians 1:3-4: Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

• John 13:34-35: “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

• Matthew 9:36: When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.

• Proverbs 21:13: Whoever closes his ear to the cry of the poor will himself call out and not be answered.

• 1 John 3:16: By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.

• Proverbs 24:17: Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, and let not your heart be glad when he stumbles

• 1 Peter 4:8: Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

• Luke 6:31: “And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.”

After the loss of Arden I have found a whole new level of empathy and sense of community. Am I perfect? No. But I try to reach out. I try to be more conscious of it. After talking to some others who have suffered loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, I found we had a lot of things in common and had experienced some of the same situations. So if you are truly interested in learning how to handle friends and loved ones who have experienced the loss of a child, here are some DO’s and the DON’T’S:

1. Don’t say nothing! Say something: Whether it’s through a phone call, text message, email, letter by carrier pigeon, reach out! Let them at least know you care. There is nothing you can say that can make it better but letting them know you care does help. I have found that with the loss of a child people often don’t know how to act and don’t know how to respond, so they just don’t. This is the worst thing you can do. You may be the only person to reach out to them. For me, the list of people who didn’t know how to respond is a lot longer than the ones who did. The loss of a baby is just like the loss of anyone else that has lived on this earth. Believe me, the parents and families are grieving all the same. I had people not to reach out (even people who had been through the same situation), people that I even thought were close to me, and it hurt. You truly find out the people who love and care about you during these times. I had strangers who reached out to me even though some people close to me did not. The greatest thing I got from anyone was for them to tell me that they were praying for me. But if you say this to someone, then actually mean it. Don’t just say it. Really pray for them. This is what carried me through the death of my child. I felt the prayers of many and still do. If you don’t believe in the power of prayer then let the person know that you’re thinking of them and that they’re on your mind. Even this meant so much to me. Just saying “I’m sorry” means something.

2. Show up! Offer help: I’m not really one to ask for help but if someone would have showed up at my door (after telling them that they didn’t have to do that, I would have gave in) I wouldn’t have turned them away. Let me also say, I’m not asking people to come see me, haha. It doesn’t hurt to call and say, “What are you doing?” If they’re home it won’t hurt to drop off some food or treats, to offer to clean, or to offer to just pray or say “I’m here to listen”. Even if they turn you down, I promise the effort will be remembered and will mean a lot. Nancy Mattingly stated during the death of her son, age 32, she found the most comfort in “the people who were there physically or who brought something necessary. The ones who sat with me and didn’t ask anything of me. They didn’t want to hear what had happened. They didn’t want to figure it out for me. They just wanted to be with me.” Don’t try to find the answers or be a fixer. You’re not going to find the answers and you’re not going to be able to fix it.

3. Continuing not to reach out: Ask a family who is the 1 in 4 and they will tell you the first year is so hard and I’ve heard the 2nd year isn’t easy either. My mom and I have had a couple of people to consistently tell us that they’re praying, to give us scripture, to tell us they love us or that they’re thinking of us. Those people will forever hold a place in our hearts. If you just so happen to be thinking of that family, reach out. Even if it’s, “Hey, I was thinking of you today, how are you?”, “I’m praying for you”, “Hey, haven’t talk to you in awhile, how are you?”, “I love you”, etc. I promise you’re not bothering them. They will appreciate it.

4. Sometimes just being there is all someone needs: This will go along with number 2. It’s nice to have someone be there ready to listen when you’re ready to talk. It’s nice just to have someone there when there’s nothing to be said or nothing that can be said. I was listening to a woman talk about how she had a friend that had 3 kids of her own but when they were dealing with the death of her father-in-law, her friend just sat on the porch of the house, praying, and ready to be there when she was needed. What a wonderful example of love and friendship.

5.  They haven’t moved on and neither should you:

“If you know someone who has lost a child, and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died — you’re not reminding them. They didn’t forget they died. What you’re reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift.”– Elizabeth Edwards

This one has hurt me at times. I will join in conversations about my pregnancy, my labor, or (oh my gosh) even dare say my baby’s name (gasp, insert wide eyed embarrassed emoji), and people will sometimes give you “that look”. The look of sadness, awkwardness, or the deer-in-headlights “What do I say next”. Most of the time people will immediately shut me down or the conversation, or laugh nervously and try to move on as fast as they can. Guys, it’s already hard feeling like you’re a mom when your baby isn’t here and you don’t get to do mom things and take care of them. They may not be here but I’m a mom. I have memories with my baby. Please don’t look at me like I’m an alien when I want to share a memory. That’s all I have. By you saying the baby’s name you’re letting the mother know they were real, they were here, and they mattered. If the mother doesn’t want to talk about their situation, they won’t. Holidays are hard and believe me the family will always deep down feel like something is missing. Don’t forget about them on holidays and important events in your life such as baby dedications. Baby dedications were hard for me. From experience, make sure the mother or father knows ahead of time so that they can sit those out if they want to.

6. Forcing yourself: This is for the people who are close to the people who have lost a child. If you have children young in age or around the age of the child that has passed then please use wisdom. Try to think about what it would feel like if you had lost your child. When you were used to sending text messages of your children, talking about pregnancy, and motherhood: You can’t do that anymore. Let the person who has suffered loss come to you and do whatever is comfortable for them. It’s not a good time to be flaunting your children in front of them or for you to ask them if they want to hold your child. If they want to then they will ask you. Yes, this has happened to me, family members, and friends. I have heard stories of babies being thrown into the arms of people and family members who have just lost a child. This is NOT ok. There is nothing that upsets me more. I’m not saying for you to never go around them, to cover your child when you see them out, to quit posting pictures to your Facebook, or to delete them off Facebook. Just let them approach you. Believe me all things baby will be in their face. They will hide your stuff or unfollow you (not unfriend) on their social media. If a parent of someone who has lost a child does unfriend you then please try to understand the place they’re coming from. Personally, in the past 10 months the unfollow button has became my best friend. It has been essential to my healing process. I’m not saying not to reach out to them or that they don’t want to hear from you (PLEASE SEE NUMBER 1!). Just don’t make your children a subject that comes up unless they ask.

7. Use wisdom in what you say: Things you don’t say:

–“At least you know you can get pregnant” Getting pregnant isn’t a promise you’ll have a baby.

– “Are you pregnant?” “When are you trying again?” “Are you going to have any more children?”  Even before the loss of our child I have never thought the questions “Do you have any children?”, “Do you want children?”, or “When are you going to have children?” were appropriate to ask a couple or a woman for MANY reasons. What if the couple is not able to get pregnant? What if they don’t want children? It’s none of anyone’s business what a couple decides for their life. 

–“God has a plan” Don’t you think I know this? Am I not allowed to ask him “Why did it have to be me, though?”

–“It was probably for the best, something was probably wrong or would have went wrong in your child’s life” That might be the case but’s it’s never the “best” and its never just “ok” for you to lose your baby. I have a story of “know it alls” who try to educate people on the loss of their child. This person who knew nothing about the situation or didn’t even try to know what happened for the couple to lose their child (they had a stillbirth). She messaged the mom to tell her that she should get checked for a gene that could be causing her to not be able to have children. Of course, since the mother had suffered a stillbirth, this had no bearing on the situation at all. That is a good example of something that is way out of line. After explaining this, the mom still didn’t get an apology. Please do your research. Try to understand the situation and get all the facts before you speak. On that topic, if you didn’t go to school to be a doctor then don’t try to be one. The people grieving don’t need that from you. 

–“I know how you feel I lost a (pet, cat, dog) that was like a child to me” This has never been said to me or anyone that I know, but from research this has actually been said to women who have dealt with the loss of a baby. This is not ok. You have to be a special kind of stupid to compare the death of an animal to a child. Yes, animals can be part of the family. I would even reference our cat and our baby as brother and sister (If anything because its cute) but don’t you think for one second I would grieve for my cat like I did for my son. I have no tolerance for statements like this.

–“You’ll have more children, it’ll be ok” I can have more children but it doesn’t mean they replace the one I lost. The moment you’re pregnant and then lose your child, there will always be a piece of you missing. A mom will always think and wonder about the child she lost.

-The one I hate the worse: “Everything happens for a reason” There is nothing in this world that justifies the loss of a child. You’re also implying that my God caused this to happen or purposefully made this happen. We live in a fallen and broken world. God sees the future and saw this coming. He had already went before me and made provision. I can see how He prepared me for it. He turned what the devil meant for evil and He made it good. There is nothing but good in Him.

Again, look at number 1. Just say “I’m sorry”  or “I’ll pray for you”. Don’t waste your time trying to make it better because there is nothing you can do that will make it better. Or just say nothing at all, and just be there.

8. Don’t forget the dad or the rest of the family they’re grieving too: I’ve never seen my family so broken. I had never seen my dad, mom, and sisters so hurt. This was my parent’s first grandchild and my sister’s first nephew. I’ve seen my husband grieve from the loss of his mother and close family members but this….this was different. Things have hurt Jesse just as much as they have hurt me. Most of the time the father’s are forgotten because they just didn’t carry a baby for 9 months. Men don’t show a lot of emotions and they may not express it but they’re hurting too. A lot of the time the dad occupies his time trying to comfort the mother but he is also being affected in some of the same ways the mother is too. Just like with the mother, the father is missing his child and there is constant reminders for him of what happened. The father also needs his friends to be there for him and to be there for him from time to time. After 10 months of not having Arden, Jesse and I still talk about him and talk about how we miss him. People are more conscious of not talking in front of the mother about babies and child-related things but they don’t think about the father. So for the most part, anything previously covered in regards to mothers is applicable to fathers as well. 

9. Give the family as much time as they need to heal and to grieve: There is no time limit on grief, so don’t put one on them. Even if you have forgotten or feel like they should “be over it” they will never be over it. Every day, every holiday, every event in their lives will have something missing.

As a friend you may forget. You’re not going to be perfect. You may say or do something wrong and if or when you realize it, apologize. It’ll go a long way and believe me it’ll mean something.