For the 1 in 4

A year ago I announced that I was pregnant to all my friends on Facebook. My closest family and friends already knew. It was a day I had dreamed of. Knowing the risks that can happen in the first trimester, my husband and I wanted to wait to tell everyone until we were 12 weeks or after, but since it was Mother’s Day we decided to announce our news at ten weeks and two days. I found out I was pregnant at four weeks and two days. It was a miracle we had even found out so early and it was such a big secret to keep from everyone.

If you don’t know my story, I had a beautiful, stress free pregnancy. Five months ago, I labored for over 19 hours, three hours of which I spent pushing, and in the end my baby had the cord wrapped around his neck. The nurses and therapists did everything they could, but he did not make it. Never in my dreams did I ever think I would be here. I have my good days and I have my bad days. I’m honestly living moment by moment. One moment I will be good and others, not so much.

One in four women lose their babies through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. I’m writing this for you. I’m here to tell you today: I know how you feel. I know the hurt you’re going through today. This is even for those women who have dealt with the loss of a child and now have children. There will always feel like there’s a piece missing. Today is the day that is supposed to be celebrating you with the one or ones who made you a mom. Yet while others have their arms full, yours are empty. While all the other moms are getting hand-made hearts that say “I Love You Mommy”, our hearts are breaking and longing to hear those words. I know the pain you feel. That pain that you start to feel physically. There are times I miss Arden so badly I feel like I’m literally being gutted. The longing to feel those soft cheeks again up against your lips as you wish you could breath in that Johnson & Johnson pink lotion smell.

It’s very hard to feel like a mother today. I see how the people who are closest to me want to take this pain away for me. They have even been sure to reassure me that I’m a mother. It’s very hard to feel that way, though, because sometimes I have to go back to those moments of horror to feel or to remember that I’m a mother. I know that feeling of it not feeling fair. It’s not. It’s not fair. Lately I have felt very cheated. I’m in that perfect age bracket where everyone around me is expecting. Then of course on TV and everywhere you go there are babies. We’re only 13 days into this month, and I have had two friends have their babies and have seen four pregnancy announcements. I go to church with several friends who are pregnant, and there are several babies close to the age of Arden who were going to be his friends. At church I’m surrounded by about eight babies all under the age of two.

I can’t tell you why some women are allowed to be moms or allowed to have children of their own and some are not. What I can tell you is that there are children who need us. Some of these children may even have guardians but they’re still not experiencing the love they need. You’re a mother to those children and people younger than you who are under your influence. You know who they are. You’re still a mother. Just because you lost your child and he or she is not here does not mean you’re not a mother anymore. I found myself getting upset May 14th, 2017 because several people kept telling me that it wasn’t my first Mother’s Day and I couldn’t celebrate it because he wasn’t here yet. The moment you find out you’re pregnant, no matter what happens after that, you’re a mother. Psalm 139:13-16, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

We have the hope to see our children again. 1 Thessalonians 4:15, “For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming go the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will defend from Heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words.” Revelation 21:3-5, “And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Our babies are in a far better place. That’s what keeps me sane sometimes. I know my baby is in the safest place he ever could be. I don’t ever have to worry about him. There will not be a day that I will not miss Arden on this earth but there will come a day when I will see him again and I will get to spend eternity with him. Forever and ever. That’s something our little human minds can’t comprehend. Not only that, but all this hurt we have been feeling it will be gone, it will be like none of this ever happened, and it will all be forgotten.

I pray today that if you don’t know God that you will come to know Him as your Savior, so that one day we will see our babies in Heaven. I also pray God will give you peace that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7), and if He hasn’t already, bless you with more children that you can hold here on earth. God knows the desires of our heart (Psalms 20:4; 37:4). No child God would give us here on earth could ever take the place of our children in Heaven. Yet God can bring beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3) and bring joy in the midst of mourning (John 16:22; Psalms 94:19). I know, I’m living proof.

-Hannah Jo xoxo